Below are draft 2-4 of chapter 4
In the first draft, I show you how the actions beats came out originally. In the next level of the revision [draft 3] I focus on Stephenson's action beats and remove some, or simply label others with emotional labels followed by the stage in the emotion. This allows me to take single revision and focus on the emotional journey of a single character. In the original word document, I note on the side what and why I made certain changes and expansion. You can down that here and look it if you want. Draft two. Draft Three. Draft Four.
Draft 2
Chapter 4[JB1] [JB2] [JB3] [JB4] [JB5] [JB6]
On the evening of November 9th, 1938 the Nazi Stormtroopers rained down rage on the Jewish communities across Germany, arresting over 30,000 Jews and killing others. They smashed, and burned any commercial property belonging to Jews. The event became known as Kristallnacht (The Night of Broken Glass.)
Inside Churchill’s estate Stephenson and the former politician clustered around the kitchen table. Detailed reports from newspaper, and other contacts about the attacks in Germany covered the surface.
“I’ve gathered as much information as possible about where they’re being kept.” Churchill gestured to a stack of papers, his fatty stomach folding around the edge like bread dough as he leaned across
“Not sure how useful my contacts will be.” Stephenson compared the details in the reports to a map of Germany. “I pay them to observe things, write them down. They’re not soldiers, or even spies. Just scientist and assistants.” He shook his head. “I don’t think they’ll want to get involved.”
“We’ll make them.” Churchill’s jowls shook as a tremor of frustration vibrated his body. “Isn’t that what you’re all about, reshaping behavior.” He paused and waited for a brief agreement. “Use it to make them help us.”
“Easy to say from this room. It wouldn’t be our lives in danger.”
Churchill waved a dismissive hand. “Opportunities for bravery and boldness come to different men at different times. This is theirs.”
The distant sound of a static voice drifted into the room. Stephenson held up his hand for silence. It sounded like an old woman, but he couldn’t make out the specifics.
“Oh, that’s just the radio,” Churchill said. “My wife listens to some knitting instructions and follows them.”
“Isn’t that interesting.” Stephenson wandered from the table following the voice. “How often does it come on?”
Churchill laughed. “If you think that’s impressive, you should see the dances the young people do. A voice comes over the radio with instruction and soon and entire room is at its’ command.”
“No, it wouldn’t be a single room would it?” Stephenson voice was flat, and distance. “But multiple rooms all across the country.”
“I suppose you’re right. I never thought of it that way.”
Before Stephenson could find the room with the radio a loud pounding came from the front door, followed by an angry voice. “I know you’re in there.” It rose in volume and octave, “Plotting!”
“Chamberlain.” Churchill’s upper lip curled. “What in God’s name does he want.”
Stephenson furrowed his brow. “The Prime Minister?”
“Of course, the Prime Minister. What other Chamberlain would dare accuse me of…” He paused a moment and spoke the next word with distaste, “plotting.” He wove past Stephenson and opened the door.
An entourage of police parked in the driveway and on the street Neville Chamberlain stood his face red with rage. “I know he’s here. I knew the moment I heard about this trouble in Germany he would come running straight to you. And you.” He thrust a finger at Churchill. “You’re as bad as he is. You’ve lost all tact in political matters. You two can’t go rushing off to Germany just because you don’t like what’s happening. There are bigger issues.”
Stephenson stepped forward and puffed out his chest to draw the man’s attention. “And what are the bigger issues?”
“I’m trying to prevent a war.” Chamberlain shouted.
“Two days ago, they imprisoned over 30,000 men,” Stephenson said. “The war has already begun.”
The Prime Minister took a deep breath. “I don’t have a treaty with the Jews, just the French and the Poles.”
“Well then,” Churchill smiled. “It’s a good thing Stephenson and I are no longer in politics. Treaties don’t mean a damn thing to us. We can actual do the right thing.”
“How much do you think Hitler cares if two British men work for the British government. He wants an excuse to go to war, and I won’t give it to him. I won’t let you either. I order you to stay out this.” He shouted louder as he saw the other two men about to speak. “And don’t you pretend you have any noble sentiments in this Churchill. You see this as your way back in. You think if you can save the Jews the people will vote you back to office, but what happens when you start a war instead?” He took a deep breath. “We’ll hang you for it. Is that worth your gamble?”
Stephenson took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. “You can’t order me. I don’t work for you, and I didn’t vote for you either.”
“You think I can’t ban you?” The Prime Minster continued shouting. “You’ll not a find plane, train, boat or car that will take you anywhere on my Island, let alone off it.”
Churchill chuckled for a long moment. “Good God, Neville, have you forgotten who you’re talking to?”
The words had a cooling effect on Chamberlain. He wiped the sweat from his brow and dabbed at his neck with a handkerchief.
Since 1932 Stephenson had been Britain’s source of information about Hitler and Nazi Germany. He’d built a massive network, under the guise of collecting research. He invented identities, companies and official paper work with little more than wave of his hand. The scientist in him ensured that he attended the tiniest details. If the Prime Minister turned on Stephenson, his blood supply of reports about Germany would end, and the man would disappear like words in the wind.
“If you won’t let us do anything about it,” Stephenson said. “What’s your plan?”
Chamberlain took several deep long breaths. “I’m trying to prevent a war that would lead to the slaughter of hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions. There are some casualties I just have to accept.”
“Nothing.” Churchill pounded his fist on the wall. “What your saying is that you’re doing nothing, and you plan to do nothing.”
“Don’t you think I want to help them!” Chamberlain advanced towards the other men. “It’s not that simple. Don’t belittle me with simple ‘yes no,’ ‘do or do not’ statements. That’s not how politics works and you know it.”
Stephenson held up his hand for peace. “I may have an alternate solution.” He swallowed hard. “The American president is almost certain that this war is coming and he wants his people to be prepared for it, but they don’t have a spy network, or any type of intelligence gathering organization in place.” Stephenson paused and looked at Chamberlain. “He would like full access to all British intelligence on Nazi Germany.”
“You must be joking--”
Stephenson again held his hand up for silence. “And all future intelligence.”
Churchill’s jaw hung slack. “Bill, are you mad. You’ve got no right to ask for that. Why would you even consider it.”
Stephenson flexed his shoulders and once more requested they be quiet while he finished. “In exchange, I will be given complete access the study conducted on the Orson Welles scare.” He moistened his lips. “I believe the answers we need to end Hitler’s control over the German people will be found there. We will have the power to cut the strings of his propaganda and restore sanity to the Germans. And if we can do that, then when the day comes that Hitler calls for war, his own people will call for his head.”
“If I do this,” The Prime Minister voice was low, uncertain. “You’ll stay out this German situation.”
“Unless matters get worse.”
Chamberlain laughed hard and loud. “You think I would agree to give them all our carefully gathered secrets only to have you back here tomorrow.”
Churchill put his hand on Stephenson’s shoulder. “We will take no further action without your consent.”
Stephenson’s head shot up with surprise but his friends hand gripped tighter.
The room was still for a long time as Chamberlain shifted his weight from foot to the other, his eyes moving between the other men in the room. “You’ll agree to this Stephenson?”
“I will.” He nodded.
Chamberlain rolled the muscles in his jaw. “One more thing. If it comes to it I want you working for us, no more private ventures.”
Stephenson smiled politely. “I’m a little old to be a soldier again.”
“Not a soldier. Spy master. You’ll head up our intelligence organization.”
“You’ve never been a spy. You don’t know what you’re asking,” Stephenson said.
“I know how important the Orson Welles event is, and to you with all your science and studies, it must be absolutely irresistible.”
Stephenson’s face was cold and his face tightened and he extended his hand to shake on the agreement. “You’re a real bastard. You know that.”
“All part of pursuing the greater good.” Chamberlain took the man’s hand. “You’ll learn.”
End of Chapter
· Chamberlain
o If stopping it starts a war.
§ You stay out of this Stephenson, and I’ll get the American president what he wants.
§ Appeasment
· Do you know how many of our boys died in the Great War? Did you deliever those letter. Did you see the faces of their mothers, wives and children? I did. I know the cost of that war. I won’t chance a second.
o Stephenson. “No. I didn’t deliver the letters. But the names of those men, I saw them, saw the die next to me in battle. And I am still willing to risk it.
You’re not a politician. You don’t understand.
[JB1]Chapter 4
[JB2]The Characters need to be bigger, more personality from the these famous characters of history. Chamberlain was a pacifist, have him be more calm.
[JB3]If there enough context in the scene for it to play out?
[JB4]Research Radio programs for the 1930’s in England
[JB5]More detail in general
[JB6]Stephenson needs to state why the study is so important. I’ve plead my case to Politian who would listen, and many who weren’t. Each time something in Germany happens, we move one step closer. It’s a gamble, but that’s all I have left. It’s my last. Five year ago wouldn’t have risked so much. But I’ve seen the rows and rows of tanks, I’ve seen the reports. They’ve slowed production. For nearly a decade they have been producing weapons of war at an increasing rate, but the last two month, they changed, to roads, and trains. No long weapons war, but ways to move them all over Germany.
Draft 3: I've bolded the action beats I want to focus on and labeled them.
Chapter 4[JB1] [JB2] [JB3] [JB4] [JB5] [JB6]
· Base question: What is the emotional climax and what emotion is Stephenson feeling?
o Opening emotion: hurried, anxious
o
On the evening of November 9th, 1938 the Nazi Stormtroopers rained down rage on the Jewish communities across Germany, arresting over 30,000 Jews and killing others. They smashed, and burned any commercial property belonging to Jews. The event became known as Kristallnacht (The Night of Broken Glass.)
Inside Churchill’s estate Stephenson and the former politician clustered around the kitchen table. Detailed reports from newspaper, and other contacts about the attacks in Germany covered the surface.
“I’ve gathered as much information as possible about where they’re being kept.” Churchill gestured to a stack of papers, his fatty stomach folding around the edge like bread dough as he leaned across
“Not sure how useful my contacts will be.” Stephenson compared the details in the reports to a map of Germany. “I pay them to observe things, write them down. They’re not soldiers, or even spies. Just scientist and assistants.” He [action beat 1: worry]. “I don’t think they’ll want to get involved.”
“We’ll make them.” Churchill’s jowls shook as a tremor of frustration vibrated his body. “Isn’t that what you’re all about, reshaping behavior.” He paused and waited for a brief agreement. “Use it to make them help us.”
“Easy to say from this room. It wouldn’t be our lives in danger.” [Action Beat 2: Worry 2]
Churchill waved a dismissive hand. “Opportunities for bravery and boldness come to different men at different times. This is theirs.”
The distant sound of a static voice drifted into the room. Stephenson held up his hand for silence [Emotion shift: Curiosity 1]. It sounded like an old woman, but he couldn’t make out the specifics. [Curiosity 2]
“Oh, that’s just the radio,” Churchill said. “My wife listens to some knitting instructions and follows them.”
“Isn’t that interesting.” Stephenson wandered from the table following the voice. [Curiosity 3] “How often does it come on?”
Churchill laughed. “If you think that’s impressive, you should see the dances the young people do. A voice comes over the radio with instruction and soon and entire room is at its’ command.”
“No, it wouldn’t be a single room would it?” Stephenson voice was flat, and distance [Emotion shift: Understanding 1[JB7] ] “But multiple rooms all across the country.”
“I suppose you’re right. I never thought of it that way.”
Before Stephenson could find the room with the radio a loud pounding came from the front door, followed by an angry voice. “I know you’re in there.” It rose in volume and octave, “Plotting!”
“Chamberlain.” Churchill’s upper lip curled. “What in God’s name does he want.”
Stephenson furrowed his brow [Emotion Shift: confusion]. “The Prime Minister?”
“Of course, the Prime Minister. What other Chamberlain would dare accuse me of…” He paused a moment and spoke the next word with distaste, “plotting.” He wove past Stephenson and opened the door.
An entourage of police parked in the driveway and on the street Neville Chamberlain stood his face red with rage. “I know he’s here. I knew the moment I heard about this trouble in Germany he would come running straight to you. And you.” He thrust a finger at Churchill. “You’re as bad as he is. You’ve lost all tact in political matters. You two can’t go rushing off to Germany just because you don’t like what’s happening. There are bigger issues.”
Stephenson stepped forward and puffed out his chest to draw the man’s attention. “And what are the bigger issues?”
“I’m trying to prevent a war.” Chamberlain shouted.
“Two days ago, they imprisoned over 30,000 men,” Stephenson said.[Frustration 1] “The war has already begun.”
The Prime Minister took a deep breath. “I don’t have a treaty with the Jews, just the French and the Poles.”
“Well then,” Churchill smiled. “It’s a good thing Stephenson and I are no longer in politics. Treaties don’t mean a damn thing to us. We can actual do the right thing.”
“How much do you think Hitler cares if two British men work for the British government. He wants an excuse to go to war, and I won’t give it to him. I won’t let you either. I order you to stay out this.” He shouted louder as he saw the other two men about to speak. “And don’t you pretend you have any noble sentiments in this Churchill. You see this as your way back in. You think if you can save the Jews the people will vote you back to office, but what happens when you start a war instead?” He took a deep breath. “We’ll hang you for it. Is that worth your gamble?”
Stephenson took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. [Emotion shift: Contempt 1[JB8] ]“You can’t order me. I don’t work for you, and I didn’t vote for you either.”
“You think I can’t ban you?” The Prime Minster continued shouting. “You’ll not a find plane, train, boat or car that will take you anywhere on my Island, let alone off it.”
Churchill chuckled for a long moment. “Good God, Neville, have you forgotten who you’re talking to?”
The words had a cooling effect on Chamberlain. He wiped the sweat from his brow and dabbed at his neck with a handkerchief.
Since 1932 Stephenson had been Britain’s source of information about Hitler and Nazi Germany. He’d built a massive network, under the guise of collecting research. He invented identities, companies and official paper work with little more than wave of his hand. The scientist in him ensured that he attended the tiniest details. If the Prime Minister turned on Stephenson, his blood supply of reports about Germany would end, and the man would disappear like words in the wind.
“If you won’t let us do anything about it,” Stephenson said.[Frustration 1] “What’s your plan?”
Chamberlain took several deep long breaths. “I’m trying to prevent a war that would lead to the slaughter of hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions. There are some casualties I just have to accept.”
“Nothing.” Churchill pounded his fist on the wall. “What your saying is that you’re doing nothing, and you plan to do nothing.”
“Don’t you think I want to help them!” Chamberlain advanced towards the other men. “It’s not that simple. Don’t belittle me with simple ‘yes no,’ ‘do or do not’ statements. That’s not how politics works and you know it.”
Stephenson held up his hand for peace.[Frustration 2] “I may have an alternate solution.” He swallowed hard.[frustration 3] “The American president is almost certain that this war is coming and he wants his people to be prepared for it, but they don’t have a spy network, or any type of intelligence gathering organization in place.” Stephenson paused and looked at Chamberlain. “He would like full access to all British intelligence on Nazi Germany.”
“You must be joking--”
Stephenson again held his hand up for silence.[frustration 4] “And all future intelligence.”
Churchill’s jaw hung slack. “Bill, are you mad. You’ve got no right to ask for that. Why would you even consider it.”
Stephenson flexed his shoulders [Frustration/climax 5[JB9] ]and once more requested they be quiet while he finished. “In exchange, I will be given complete access the study conducted on the Orson Welles scare.” He moistened his lips.[frustration cooling 1] “I believe the answers we need to end Hitler’s control over the German people will be found there. We will have the power to cut the strings of his propaganda and restore sanity to the Germans. And if we can do that, then when the day comes that Hitler calls for war, his own people will call for his head.”
“If I do this,” The Prime Minister voice was low, uncertain. “You’ll stay out this German situation.”
“Unless matters get worse.”[frustration cooling 2]
Chamberlain laughed hard and loud. “You think I would agree to give them all our carefully gathered secrets only to have you back here tomorrow.”
Churchill put his hand on Stephenson’s shoulder. “We will take no further action without your consent.”
Stephenson’s head shot up with surprise but his friends hand gripped tighter.
The room was still for a long time as Chamberlain shifted his weight from foot to the other, his eyes moving between the other men in the room. “You’ll agree to this Stephenson?”
“I will.” He nodded.[Emotion shift: surrender/consent 1]
Chamberlain rolled the muscles in his jaw. “One more thing. If it comes to it I want you working for us, no more private ventures.”
Stephenson smiled politely. “I’m a little old to be a soldier again.”
“Not a soldier. Spy master. You’ll head up our intelligence organization.”
“You’ve never been a spy. You don’t know what you’re asking,” Stephenson said.[surrender 2]
“I know how important the Orson Welles event is, and to you with all your science and studies, it must be absolutely irresistible.”
Stephenson’s [Surrender 3] and he extended his hand to shake on the agreement. “You’re a real bastard. You know that.”
“All part of pursuing the greater good.” Chamberlain took the man’s hand. “You’ll learn.”
End of Chapter
· Chamberlain
o If stopping it starts a war.
§ You stay out of this Stephenson, and I’ll get the American president what he wants.
§ Appeasment
· Do you know how many of our boys died in the Great War? Did you deliever those letter. Did you see the faces of their mothers, wives and children? I did. I know the cost of that war. I won’t chance a second.
o Stephenson. “No. I didn’t deliver the letters. But the names of those men, I saw them, saw the die next to me in battle. And I am still willing to risk it.
You’re not a politician. You don’t understand.
[JB1]Chapter 4
[JB2]The Characters need to be bigger, more personality from the these famous characters of history. Chamberlain was a pacifist, have him be more calm.
[JB3]If there enough context in the scene for it to play out?
[JB4]Research Radio programs for the 1930’s in England
[JB5]More detail in general
[JB6]Stephenson needs to state why the study is so important. I’ve plead my case to Politian who would listen, and many who weren’t. Each time something in Germany happens, we move one step closer. It’s a gamble, but that’s all I have left. It’s my last. Five year ago wouldn’t have risked so much. But I’ve seen the rows and rows of tanks, I’ve seen the reports. They’ve slowed production. For nearly a decade they have been producing weapons of war at an increasing rate, but the last two month, they changed, to roads, and trains. No long weapons war, but ways to move them all over Germany.
[JB7]I kept the original action beat here, but I felt it was effective, but I wanted to label it.
[JB8]Left original action beat, but might add to it.
[JB9]Choice here is that the character begins to work towards a resolution at this point.
Draft 4: I've left the changes in bold.
Chapter 4[JB1] [JB2] [JB3] [JB4] [JB5] [JB6]
On the evening of November 9th, 1938 the Nazi Stormtroopers rained down rage on the Jewish communities across Germany, arresting over 30,000 Jews and killing others. They smashed, and burned any commercial property belonging to Jews. The event became known as Kristallnacht (The Night of Broken Glass.)
Inside Churchill’s estate Stephenson and the former politician clustered around the kitchen table. Detailed reports from newspaper, and other contacts about the attacks in Germany covered the surface.
“I’ve gathered as much information as possible about where they’re being kept.” Churchill gestured to a stack of papers, his fatty stomach folding around the edge like bread dough as he leaned across
“Not sure how useful my contacts will be.” Stephenson compared the details in the reports to a map of Germany. “I pay them to observe things, write them down. They’re not soldiers, or even spies. Just scientist and assistants.” He wrinkled his brown, as the worry nagged at him. Every time he picked a newspaper he felt it would be the moment when war would break out. “I don’t think they’ll want to get involved.”
“We’ll make them.” Churchill’s jowls shook as a tremor of frustration vibrated his body. “Isn’t that what you’re all about, reshaping behavior.” He paused and waited for a brief agreement. “Use it to make them help us.”
“Easy to say from this room. It wouldn’t be our lives in danger.” Stephenson wiped the sweat from his palm on his pants.
Churchill waved a dismissive hand. “Opportunities for bravery and boldness come to different men at different times. This is theirs.”
The distant sound of a static voice drifted into the room. Stephenson held up his hand for silence and tilted his head to side. It sounded like an old woman, but he couldn’t make out the specifics. He nodded slowly as started to make his way towards the sound.
“Oh, that’s just the radio,” Churchill said. “My wife listens to some knitting instructions and follows them.”
“Isn’t that interesting.” Stephenson held his breath for a few moments to better hear the radio. When he spoke, his voice was low as though he feared to interrupt someone, “How often does it come on?”
Churchill laughed. “If you think that’s impressive, you should see the dances the young people do. A voice comes over the radio with instruction and soon and entire room is at its’ command.” it wouldn’t be a single room would it?” Stephenson closed his eyes and tilted his head back, the events in Germany suddenly seemed less bizarre. There was something about groups, connection, unison that appealed to people, and it was easy to obtain when a disembodied voice spoke to them all at once. Gave them instructions.[JB7] [JB8] “[JB9] But multiple rooms all across the country.”
“I suppose you’re right. I never thought of it that way.”
Before Stephenson could find the room with the radio a loud pounding came from the front door, followed by an angry voice. “I know you’re in there.” It rose in volume and octave, “Plotting!”
“Chamberlain.” Churchill’s upper lip curled. “What in God’s name does he want.”
Stephenson furrowed his brow. [JB10] “The Prime Minister?”
“Of course, the Prime Minister. What other Chamberlain would dare accuse me of…” He paused a moment and spoke the next word with distaste, “plotting.” He wove past Stephenson and opened the door.
An entourage of police parked in the driveway and on the street Neville Chamberlain stood his face red with rage. “I know he’s here. I knew the moment I heard about this trouble in Germany he would come running straight to you. And you.” He thrust a finger at Churchill. “You’re as bad as he is. You’ve lost all tact in political matters. You two can’t go rushing off to Germany just because you don’t like what’s happening. There are bigger issues.”
Stephenson stepped forward and puffed out his chest to draw the man’s attention. “And what are the bigger issues?”
“I’m trying to prevent a war.” Chamberlain shouted.
“Two days ago, they imprisoned over 30,000 men,” Stephenson scratch the back of his neck as he shook his head[JB11] . “You’re not reading between the lines. The war has already begun.”
The Prime Minister took a deep breath. “I don’t have a treaty with the Jews, just the French and the Poles.”
“Well then,” Churchill smiled. “It’s a good thing Stephenson and I are no longer in politics. Treaties don’t mean a damn thing to us. We can actual do the right thing.”
“How much do you think Hitler cares if two British men work for the British government. He wants an excuse to go to war, and I won’t give it to him. I won’t let you either. I order you to stay out this.” He shouted louder as he saw the other two men about to speak. “And don’t you pretend you have any noble sentiments in this Churchill. You see this as your way back in. You think if you can save the Jews the people will vote you back to office, but what happens when you start a war instead?” He took a deep breath. “We’ll hang you for it. Is that worth your gamble?”
Stephenson took a cigarette from his pocket, lit and curled his lip just a little.[JB12] Something about power convinced men they could wield it over anyone. What was that study? The one where people put in positions of leadership suddenly felt they deserved more than the other members of the group. He frowned unable to recall the title, then looked directly at Chamberlain.[JB13] “You can’t order me. I don’t work for you, and I didn’t vote for you either.”
“You think I can’t ban you?” The Prime Minster continued shouting. “You’ll not a find plane, train, boat or car that will take you anywhere on my Island, let alone off it.”
Churchill chuckled for a long moment. “Good God, Neville, have you forgotten who you’re talking to?”
The words had a cooling effect on Chamberlain. He wiped the sweat from his brow and dabbed at his neck with a handkerchief.
Since 1932 Stephenson had been Britain’s source of information about Hitler and Nazi Germany. He’d built a massive network, under the guise of collecting research. He invented identities, companies and official paper work with little more than wave of his hand. The scientist in him ensured that he attended the tiniest details. If the Prime Minister turned on Stephenson, his blood supply of reports about Germany would end, and the man would disappear like words in the wind.
“If you won’t let us do anything about it,” Stephenson narrowed his eyes. “What’s your plan?”
Chamberlain took several deep long breaths. “I’m trying to prevent a war that would lead to the slaughter of hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions. There are some casualties I just have to accept.”
“Nothing.” Churchill pounded his fist on the wall. “What your saying is that you’re doing nothing, and you plan to do nothing.”
“Don’t you think I want to help them!” Chamberlain advanced towards the other men. “It’s not that simple. Don’t belittle me with simple ‘yes no,’ ‘do or do not’ statements. That’s not how politics works and you know it.”
Stephenson held up his hand for peace, then curled it into a fist. “I may have an alternate solution.” He could feel his chest tightening. “The American president is almost certain that this war is coming and he wants his people to be prepared for it, but they don’t have a spy network, or any type of intelligence gathering organization in place.” Stephenson paused and looked at Chamberlain. “He would like full access to all British intelligence on Nazi Germany.”
“You must be joking--”
Stephenson again held his hand up for silence. He lowered it as though to pound on the table but slowed at the last moment and gave it a tap. “And all future intelligence.”
Churchill’s jaw hung slack. “Bill, are you mad. You’ve got no right to ask for that. Why would you even consider it.”
Stephenson flexed his shoulders and his jaw clenched. “In exchange, I will be given complete access the study conducted on the Orson Welles scare.” He inhaled deeply and let out a long sigh. “I believe the answers we need to end Hitler’s control over the German people will be found there. We will have the power to cut the strings of his propaganda and restore sanity to the Germans. And if we can do that, then when the day comes that Hitler calls for war, his own people will call for his head.”
“If I do this,” The Prime Minister voice was low, uncertain. “You’ll stay out this German situation.”
“Unless matters get worse.” Stephenson closed his eyes briefly.
Chamberlain laughed hard and loud. “You think I would agree to give them all our carefully gathered secrets only to have you back here tomorrow.”
Churchill put his hand on Stephenson’s shoulder. “We will take no further action without your consent.”
Stephenson’s head shot up with surprise but his friends hand gripped tighter.
The room was still for a long time as Chamberlain shifted his weight from foot to the other, his eyes moving between the other men in the room. “You’ll agree to this Stephenson?”
“I will.” He nodded once and left his chin resting on his chest. The cost of perusing the study was ever increasing. If he wasn’t sure Germany was on the brink of war, he could wait, see if his own research would yield the answer he needed, but it had been six years, and while he understood the problem and causes, he was not closer to a solution. If Welles’ method would work then he could undo everything Hitler propaganda machine had created, in a single night. [JB14]
Chamberlain rolled the muscles in his jaw. “One more thing. If it comes to it I want you working for us, no more private ventures.”
Stephenson smiled politely. “I’m a little old to be a soldier again.”
“Not a soldier. Spy master. You’ll head up our intelligence organization.”
“You’ve never been a spy. You don’t know what you’re asking,” Stephenson slid his hands in his pockets.
“I know how important the Orson Welles event is, and to you with all your science and studies, it must be absolutely irresistible.”
Stephenson extended his hand to shake on the agreement, his voice had lost all emotion, “You’re a real bastard. You know that.”
“All part of pursuing the greater good.” Chamberlain took the man’s hand. “You’ll learn.”
End of Chapter
· Chamberlain
o If stopping it starts a war.
§ You stay out of this Stephenson, and I’ll get the American president what he wants.
§ Appeasment
· Do you know how many of our boys died in the Great War? Did you deliever those letter. Did you see the faces of their mothers, wives and children? I did. I know the cost of that war. I won’t chance a second.
o Stephenson. “No. I didn’t deliver the letters. But the names of those men, I saw them, saw the die next to me in battle. And I am still willing to risk it.
You’re not a politician. You don’t understand.
[JB1]Chapter 4
[JB2]The Characters need to be bigger, more personality from the these famous characters of history. Chamberlain was a pacifist, have him be more calm.
[JB3]If there enough context in the scene for it to play out?
[JB4]Research Radio programs for the 1930’s in England
[JB5]More detail in general
[JB6]Stephenson needs to state why the study is so important. I’ve plead my case to Politian who would listen, and many who weren’t. Each time something in Germany happens, we move one step closer. It’s a gamble, but that’s all I have left. It’s my last. Five year ago wouldn’t have risked so much. But I’ve seen the rows and rows of tanks, I’ve seen the reports. They’ve slowed production. For nearly a decade they have been producing weapons of war at an increasing rate, but the last two month, they changed, to roads, and trains. No long weapons war, but ways to move them all over Germany.
[JB7]I kept the original action beat here, but I felt it was effective, but I wanted to label it.
[JB8]I also expanded it into some interiority as I felt the scene was missing some.
[JB9]The Emotion Thusarus didn’t have “understanding” so I used peaceful instead, but really like the action beat here.
[JB10]I kept the original action beat, but have already made plan to introduce this differently.
[JB11]After writing the beat, I felt that it didn’t flow into the dialogue as smoothly. Particularly since in body language you look for contradictions, and there was a contradiction here; his shake of the head and his statement. So I added an extra line of dialogue to bring his body language and in cohesion. Thus the “shake of the head” and line “You’re not…” are congruent.
[JB12]Left original action beat, but might add to it.
[JB13]Thinking about the emotion specifically I realized it had too much possibility so I added to the beat, and once again felt an urge to drift into interiority. After the tangent I needed to bring it back to Chamberlain, thus one final action beat addition.
[JB14]Again find myself sliding into interiority. I think it’s the nature of looking very closely at these beats, I feel the emotion behind them more, and understand the thoughts of the character better.